Emotions

In a previous post I said that one of the reasons I changed the name of my blog was to be more real in my posts.  You see in my past I would have written something like this:

This has been a great weekend!  Good Friday service last night was wonderful.  The scriptures and music were powerful and moving.  Today we had a very productive rehearsal for our Easter service tomorrow morning.  Sam is off skating and I'm enjoying a quiet afternoon at home.

Okay, this was an abbreviated version of what I would have written.  I probably would have added more details and a picture or two.

Now for the real version:

This has been a weekend of emotions.  Every little thing makes me want to cry.  I stayed in bed this morning until I absolutely had to get up.  I went to rehearsal this morning for tomorrows Easter service (which really was a good time).  I've been swallowing tears all day long.  I've put on a smile and have made it through the day without anyone really knowing that I was feeling down.  I'm missing my family something fierce!  If I could I would have taken off and taken Sam and I back up to Springfield this weekend.  We both need to see family but that just isn't possible right now.  You see not only did my husband leave me and Sam after Thanksgiving last year but my family also had another loss.  My sister lost her oldest daughter in a tragic auto accident last August.  It's made it even harder with it being Easter weekend.  It's hard hearing everyone talking yesterday after Good Friday service and today before, during and after our rehearsal about all of their family plans for after church tomorrow.  I'll be honest....it hurts.  It hurts a lot.  Yes, I have Sam. Yes, we'll go to church tomorrow morning. And trust me both of those have gotten me through so much.  My son and my faith are bringing me through these dark times.  But let's be honest.  We're human.  It hurts that we won't have the family meal after Easter services tomorrow whether it be with our family or with close friends. We won't have the conversations or will we be making those holiday memories with our family and/or friends.  It's strange, years past when we haven't been able to go see our family it never really bothered me.  But this year it's tearing me up. 

I had been seeing a wonderful therapist but funds have run out.  Hoping that I can save enough so that I can start seeing her again.  But until then I am constantly going back over every conversation that we had.  While with her she made me realize how much doing art is a great therapeutic release.  I've gotten into Bible Journaling and have started painting with watercolors.  I think that I'll be spending the evening doing one or both of these as they really do help me.  Here are just a few of the ones that I've done recently. (remember that you can click on the pictures to see them bigger)

 

 

So there it is...my real life right now.  Life is not all roses but I know that life will get better.  One day at a time.  I have an absolutely wonderful family and friends that have been here for me and will continue to be here whenever I need them.  I have to say that after writing all of this down I do feel a bit better.  Guess I found another therapeutic release.